


terrible funerals started as an early tradition

by karaokeburial



Category: John Dies at the End - David Wong
Genre: Gen, monster dave funeral
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2013-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-28 00:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/985536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karaokeburial/pseuds/karaokeburial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s a bad day when you have to bury your best friend. It’s much worse than that when your best friend is helping you bury his body in secret, in an abandoned mall, in the middle of the night. It becomes genuinely awful when the best friend helping is a fucked up copy of the best friend you’re burying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	terrible funerals started as an early tradition

**Author's Note:**

> I sent a text to a friend this morning mentioning Dave's funeral to a friend and she mentioned that she'd read it, so I had to write it. The end might be a little weird because by that point I'd had a fair amount to drink. Spoilers if you haven't finished reading the book or only watched the movie

John yanked away the board covering the doorway of the Undisclosed abandoned strip mall and threw it to the side before ducking in, Monster Dave in tow. As he saw the hall inside, he shook his head at the damage left by the man-scorpion monsters that had attacked he and Dave and Amy when they’d gone through the door to get to Korrok. As he surveyed the area, he realized that he’d been to the mall way too many times in the past year.

Dave stumbled in behind him, dragging the corpse wrapped in a tarp, the bare feet still sticking out the bottom. He’d asked, no, insisted, that he be the one to drag himself in. In fact, Dave had told John not to come. He’d wanted to do it alone.

 

*******

“I want to get rid of the evidence,” Dave had said plainly that morning when John had shown up. He’d offered to help but Dave had pointedly snapped that he wanted to get rid of it alone. Too bad John knew that Dave meant he wanted to get rid of all the evidence, his new Korrok-self included in that category. John had thought he could take him off suicide watch finally, but apparently not. Great.

 

*******

The body landed with a thud, muffled slightly by the layer of snow that had fallen through the cracks and holes in the roof. The plywood board scraped across the ramp outside as Dave pulled it back over the hole, covering it so no one driving by would see what they were doing. No one ever drove out to the strip mall, but you couldn’t be too careful when hiding a body.

John started back towards the door, guilt pulling at his features. “I, uh, forgot the beer in the car.” He pushed aside the board and went out before letting himself break. He hunched forward and stumbled down the ramp before dropping to his knees in the undisturbed snow. John covered his mouth with his hands before screaming as loud as he could. The rage and sadness and fear boiled in his gut, making him nauseous and lightheaded and shaky. Who the FUCK did Korrok think he was, replacing Dave like that. Sure, fuck with the rest of the world, he’d deal with it like a big boy, but fuck with Dave and it was personal. It took that for John to connect with how sick, how fucked up, how primally wrong Korrok and the shadow people were.

After spending a minute in the snow, the thought of vomiting crossing his mind more than a few times, John stood up and shuffled to Dave’s bronco. He pulled the case of beer he’d brought out of the back seat and slammed the door violently. Amy had taken Molly and was back at home, hopefully sleeping. She’d wanted to go but both he and Dave had told her no way in hell. Dave didn’t want her to see, John didn’t want to share this moment with her. Dave was his friend first, damnit and John wanted to be the only one there to help his best friend get rid of his body.

John trudged back inside, case of cheap beer in hand. He kicked the board aside and ducked in. Dave was standing there, looking at the body.

“Y’know, I’m probably not the only one who’s buried their own body.” His voice was hollow, devoid of any humor. “I mean,” he continued, not taking his eyes off the corpse in the tarp, “I’m not the only copy, we know that. There’s got to be at least one other person who’s had to bury themselves.”

John put the beer down and took a step forward, putting his hand on Dave’s shoulder. “You should start a support group. You could call it, ‘I buried myself, I think’.” He faked a chuckle, which Dave echoed before turning to look at him.

“I need a beer.”

“Me too,” John said as he bent over and ripped open the cardboard of the case. He pulled out a can for each of them and cracked his own, his eyes staying, with Dave’s, on the tarp. What if it moved? What if, by some miracle, real Dave had faked it a lot and was going to jump up and beat monster Dave over the head with the shovel lying there.

They finished their first beers, and their second, before they started to hide the body. John pulled up the boards, a loud grunt and squeal as each came up, resisting the nails that kept them in place. Dave, meanwhile, unwrapped his body from the tarp. He’d need it back in the shed and getting another was a waste, since this one was still perfectly good.

“I just thoughta something,” John said as he grabbed the shovel from the floor that was now at chest height. “Ground’s frozen solid. You got super strength, monster Dave?” As soon as it slipped out, he regretted it. Dave’s face changed from emptiness to pure anger. That, John knew, was absolutely the wrong thing to call him.

“Why would I be super strong, John?” Dave snapped, an icy edge to his voice that rivaled the temperature of the air around him. “I mean god why on earth would it be any different?” He was defensive, and scared. John could see that, could see that Dave couldn’t handle being reminded that he wasn’t still the same Dave.

“Jesus, fine. Think tossing,” he paused looking from the body to the Dave above him, “the body in here will be good enough?” As he asked this, he crawled out of the hole in the floorboards, taking Dave’s outstretched hand to help him.

“Grab another beer,” Dave instructed as he pulled out a third for himself. Neither of them were drunk enough to handle the concept of burying him, and he knew it. John did as Dave did and cracked another beer, downing half of it in one fluid chug.

Three more beers and an hour later, Dave and John pushed the body, together, into the hole. They stared at it, huffing at the effort it took. “I think your corpse got fat,” John noted, a grin on his face. Dave nodded in agreement, snorting out a laugh.

“Shit, can you get us to your place?” Dave never, ever drove drunk, but he’d let John. John had gotten them home drunk more times than he could count on both hands and feet.

“Yeah, grab the beer.” John said thickly as he put the board back into place. The nails were still sticking out of it and he looked at them before grabbing the shovel. “Think this can be used as a hammer?”

Dave shrugged and smirked, his arms around the remaining twelve beers. “Try it.” Loud clangs rang as John smashed the shovel onto the nails, succeeded in driving them in less than a centimeter before they bent dismally.

“Fuck it,” John said as he swung the shovel until it rested on the shoulder. “It’s good enough for now. I’ll nail it up tomorrow after work.” He headed to the door and pushed the board again, holding it open for Dave who followed him out.

John got to the car first and threw the shovel in the back before looking up at the night sky, black with clouds. “Y’know, Dave, it’s like nothing’s changed.” He leaned back against the bronco, watching the snow fall slowly, as it had been for at least the last hour.

Dave threw the beer in the back with the shovel before joining John. “No, man, everything’s changed.” He sighed and rubbed his face, rough with stubble. “But that’s okay. You’re here and I’m here. It’s fine.”

John nodded and pushed himself off the side of the car with a grunt. He unsteadily tromped around to the driver’s side while Dave slid equally unsteadily into the passenger seat. John started the bronco with a roar and drove out of the parking lot, back to his apartment where he and Dave played video game basketball until the sun rose.


End file.
